Zouk on Friday, Heli on Saturday. Got wasted again last night. Hangover Sunday.

Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity & drunkenness is temporary suicide.

Round 6 next weekend.

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It's the 4th weekend since we broke up, how have you been?

 It's hard not to care about the things you shouldn't be bothered about. I've thoughts which can't be translated into words, so what do I do?

Love & lies.

I know I’m not over you when I started crying so badly again while listening to ‘Thank God I Found You’. I miss how things were. How could we have lost it all? How could we? Just too many ‘whys’ which I don’t and will never have answers to. I seriously ought to be over you but why am I not? Sometimes I really hate myself for behaving this way.
I admit I'm afraid to move on without you and I doubt I'll find anyone with such chemistry that we had. It's more than just hard.
Love and lies. Sigh.


"Here's a simple psychological question: You really love him, don't you? Not a single name mentioned, but someone just came into your mind."

Chin up.

With the dearest ones!! ♥

Candid ttm.

Linggggg; another dearest dearest girlfriend! ♥

Great, I accidentally deleted the previous post.

Met up with my dearest girls for tea @ TCC today! Felt like myself again :) These girls seriously never fail to make me laugh. Loveee them to bits! We'll see you when you're back in December, Pam!! ♥

Zouk again last Saturday with the group and it has been really a while since we partied with such a big group. It was an eventful night, I must say. Crying on the dancefloor after hearing things which I didn't want to hear, that was the first. I didn't have to get so affected by it but once again, I did. I probably shocked them but thankfully L, S and Z were there. Stayed out till 8am, slept for only 4 hours before tuition. Sleep deficit which I can never recover it on weekends! & I foresee that the same thing will happen again this weekend.

Haven't been uploading pictures ever since things weren't right. I've 400 over right nowwwww, gosh.

Results were out on Friday. It was released 3 hours earlier than the expected time!! When L and D told me about it I was like, "fuck, for real?!!" It's so weird to be checking results alone! It took me a while before I finally mustered the courage to click 'VIEW'. This was what I posted on Tumblr on Friday evening. Just look at how delighted I was: "I guess my results are the best thing that happened to me thus far after all the shit that I’ve been through lately. It really was a pleasant surprise, absolutely beyond my expectations!!! I was dead sure I’m gonna flunk POA and I’d this weird feeling that I might screw Econs, but I didn’t!!! THANK GOD I CLEARED POA. OMFGGGGGG, I was so prepared to retake POA in year 2 but yessssssss I cleared it!!! Accounting is out of my life foreverrrrrrrrrrr now!! &&& I’ll NEVER believe that I’ve gotten a first class for Econs. It’s like some insane shit, like how is that even possible?!!! GOODNESS. I seriously did not expect such results, REALLY. HAHA I think I overreacted when I was on the phone with L while checking my results. You know it’s like for once I finally felt what happiness is again. I almost cried hahahahaha. Now I believe there’s such a thing as tears of joy :’) Haven’t felt truly happy in the longest of time and today, I finally did again."

I seriously need to decide what mods to take real soon because eCR will be starting next week. Mehhhh. Macro, CF, MSM/ESAP and a foundation unit. I can't decide which foundation unit to do because seriously, none looks appealing to me. Sigh.

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"It’s okay. It’s okay to want someone you can’t have. It’s okay to want something more. It’s okay to cry when you’re hurt, and it’s okay to stay mad at someone who hurt you. Believe it or not, it’s always going to be okay. That’s just how it works. Sometimes things don’t work out how you want them to, and most of the time, it seems like they never will. But eventually, everything is going to iron out some way or another. You just have to believe, keep your faith, and move on."

Chin up, bitch. It will get better.

I've been sleeping at 2 - 3am every single night for the past few months! I seriously need to recover my sleep debt soon. Zouk last night with the usual! Came back only at 7am after having a mini HTHT with the guys, slept for 3hours, went for dental with Dad, home for now and meeting the girls again tonight!! x

Finally met up with M after 12 years!!! This girl is really a dear :) she's been asking me how am I feeling almost every other day, just like D and L. *Hugsssss* I'm so touched and glad that these girls are there for me at my lowest. It's only after I broke up that I realised there are still so many others who care :') I don't know but it's  amazing somehow and I'm really thankful to have them around. I guess it's always the case that for everything you've lost, you'll gain something else. 

Met I on Tuesday and surprisingly he made me see things in another perspective. I must say he really made me realize quite a bit. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. The pain can only be eased when I've truly let go. Sigh, slowly but surely.

“There ain’t no way you can hold onto something that wants to go, you understand? You can only love what you got while you got it.” ― Kate DiCamillo

Tracy, you get it now?

Emptiness.

I'm telling you it's impossible. It feels too raw, too sore, way too bitter.
I’ve been keeping myself occupied, trying to fill the emptiness within. But deep down, I know I’m feeling empty. Real empty. I can't fill that void in me. Somehow it's different because they aren't you. It’s just too hard. How do I put all these feelings aside? It really hits me hard when every little thing of you and us starts forming images and thoughts at my freest moments. Flashbacks.

Now it's back to the way we started. Strangers.

2.37AM

To even re-enact the scene of you and her which Z told me about, is enough to disgust me. It's fucking disgusting.

This lie is incredibly perfect. How could I have forgotten this has all along been your forte. How foolish was I to believe the things you said? How ignorant was I to be hoping for something which was merely a fallacy? I honestly do not know how I should be feeling. Everything doesn't seem to make sense and I'm too overwhelmed by this entire shit. Why must you do this to me? Why? It makes me feel so fucking worthless, absolutely insignificant to you.

I don’t know why am I still hanging on to something which I know I'll be better off letting it go.

"I get the whole 'He’s the only guy I’ve ever really been in love with' part. It’s hard to let go, hard to move on to someone else and think you’ll never find anyone with such characteristics or chemistry like you two had, but I promise you, once you let go and move on, you’ll find out that, deep down, the only feelings you have for him might be just the fact that you’ll always love him. You may not want him back, you might just be scared to move on without him."

It's true. I know, but how? Really, tell me how.

It's queer how my friends are enraged by what you've done to me but I'm still not feeling that strong resentment I should be feeling towards you. Do you know how terribly you've screwed me up? Not a single apology, is your ego really that huge or do you seriously not think that you're at fault?

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Friday @Zouk. Momentary happiness perhaps. If not, how else?

I need to find back my old self, I need to be me again.

Everyone's telling me I deserve way better.

I've lost faith in love.

Jaded

My heart feels weary, way too weary. I don't know how long more am I going to be stuck in this. Sometimes I ask myself, what's the point of being emotional and devastated over somebody who doesn't even give a damn about me? What's the point of lingering on? What's the point of crying for somebody who's leading a happier life without me in it? I don't know. I honestly do not know where is this taking me. Why are you so heartless? It hurts to know that you're actually moving on so quickly after so many years of relationship. How did you even manage to stop loving me just like this? How? You're so scary. I'm so fucking affected by every single one of your action. There was this sudden surge of pain when I was privatising the albums and removing pictures of us. What are all those memories to you? I can't bear to remove what we'd shared. I really can't bring myself to do it. It's fucking stupid of me, I know that. I'm constantly wondering why and how did things even come to such a state today? Then why did we even fight so hard to hold on in the first place when all you wanted to do is to give up? Why?

When will this heartache end? Everything is pointless and bleak right now. I need to move on. I know I have to.


There’s nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me
All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you’d go



Please let my heart die. Please.