Fix it

8 Sept: Ling's 21st @ Shangri la / Post-party @ Zouk. ♥♥♥♥♥

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Technically the long weekend started on Wednesday for me. Home alone once more. Plans called off for the weekend. Tomorrow night better be great. Mahogany coloured hair for now. Went to some haunted house maze with E last night. Almost didn't want to enter, he'd to drag me through it. Paranormal Activity 4 sucks. 'Viewers choice' much? BB battery is dying on me. Loving the pre-zoukout mix tape. Ultimate 3-4 hours long of whatsapp convo with L till 4am. I think I'm a glutton. Tempted to start the Gossip Girl marathon all over again. Ought to start studying, for real.
Dreading November. Take heart.
You gave up? I think so.


"I deserve better, I really do."

Careless whisper

12 consecutive weeks of partying; Home on a Saturday. Seemingly odd indeed.

I've been put through so many emotions all these months but I realised I haven't been truly happy in the longest of time. Being happy is actually a simple thing but I really don't understand why it has become such a daunting task now. 

Happiness is an option, it's how I perceive it to be, it's all in the mind, I know that.

I am terribly confused with what I want. It's like I'm putting my attention on the things that I shouldn't even be too bothered with. Yes I need to be distracted but it's really ironic how my distractions are giving me greater confusion right now. My heart and mind don’t go in sync. They never will. I guess enough is enough. It's pretty pointless going in circles and ending up back at the same point. We won't get anything out of this, I really highly doubt so. If only your words are worth believing, if only you truly know what you want. It's not like I don't know what exactly is going on. I'm even more certain that I've to guard myself well. It's fucking ridiculous how I'm not trying my best to cease this entire thing. It's tough not to expect anything at all but the truth is, expectations ruin everything. I've to keep my distance.

Allowing all these to persist is akin to cutting a wound open over again and again. It just doesn't heal. Not at all.

I really should prioritise what's worth prioritising.

November is merely 11 days away. I'm almost 21. I guess it does feel weird not having him around this time. I screwed things up last year and never did I expect that would be the last.

I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed. 

(11th Sunday)
Thinking back, I guess I never really should have possessed so much of you. That was when loving you became irrational. I just kind of miss you, W. I really do.
It's silly how we fight to hold on and we even have to fight to let go. It's hard.
That sense of familiarity is making me weak.

Flames to dust, lovers to friends. Why do all good things come to an end?

Sigh.

It's like I know I've to be stronger. I've to be so much tougher than this, but it just doesn't happen. Emotions, sometimes I seriously wish I do not have them at all. It's not like I want to be feeling down, it's just that I can't seem to find any reason to be happy. I thought I've guarded myself but apparently I'm falling through. It's harder than expected. I really should have known better. As though I was foolish enough to allow my heart to ache once more. There, I was right about how transient your infatuation would be.

Utterly ridiculous how I'm feeling so messed up inside. When will I ever know what do I want? Too uncertain and when it hits me, I’ll always find that bit of comfort in dwelling in the past. I really shouldn't be stuck in reminiscing and missing what’s too far gone. That itself is nothing more than pure stupidity.

A heart can't contain two. It should be empty. It really should be left that way. Maybe all that's needed is a closure to all these. Why won't this jadedness go away? I've been weary for way too long. SIGH.

Xth drama episode

Saturday was yet another dramatic night. Too much of champagne & vodka; 3 of us got wasted; the guys were sober; L broke down; I got emotional; drunk crying once more; back to home ground next weekend pleaseeeeeeeee

I NEED TO:

#1. start revising my school work. 3rd week status: Lost.

#2. lose weight. I've been eating WAY too much. This insatiable appetite of mine is too scary :(

#3. shop, badly.

#4. dye my hair before month-end.

#5. start being happy.

I can only believe what's worth believing. We're still stuck at the very same topic, same issues. All I can say is that I'm not convinced. It's even harder when your words and actions contradict, isn't it?

"In our poker game, our bets will be our hearts. All in."  -- E

Agnes's 23rd party & her surprise proposal! Congratsssss babe!! ♥

We’re young, we only live once, we do the things that we never thought we would have done. I don’t want to regret the things that I've done. Maybe if I could redefine this, I would put embracing recklessness and impulsiveness into it. What are regrets? Life’s too short for all those.

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"I'm so guarded, it destroys me. I don't want to believe that anyone wants to be nice to me."

Trust is such a huge issue to me now. This is a vicious circle, almost going nowhere. I trust my instincts. I just can't allow you to come close enough to hurt me. I'll take half your words. Nothing's really for real till I believe it is.